I was in insurance and it was the most pressurised time of the year when I completely lost it. It was December 1995, I was 46. The problem had been there and I just didn't see it.

When I completely shut off, the only thing I would do is speak to my mother. I would pretend that nothing was wrong: [that] I’m still at work and everything. I didn’t answer the phone, I didn’t answer the door.

The only time I would go out was when it was dark, I would go up the supermarket buy a few things, mainly drink, come back then shut myself in again. I was like that for months until I got in touch with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). They got me to a couple of their meetings, got me to go down to the benefits agency to sign on. They were very good but it was only temporary.

It stopped, then it came back again, stopped and came back again and it was like that all the time. You don’t know if it is the depression that is causing you to drink or vice versa. It’s all a vicious circle.

Sometimes when I’ve got into that condition – that is, being depressed and binge drinking – I would ring up helplines. On those occasions they would help me, I wouldn’t get myself worked up. Sometimes I’ve lost it completely and I’d be really verbally abusive. I don’t even remember what I said and then it’s like, well, I got that anger out; back to normal. And then it’s like walking from one world into another; it’s like getting off an aeroplane, if you see what I mean.

The police know about my illness and the alcohol. A young policeman and this young policewoman took me to the Gibben Centre*, which is where I wanted to go. In fact, the policeman called around, he said, ‘I’ve just called round to see how you are,’ and I thought, that’s brilliant.

I stayed in the Gibben Centre* voluntarily. While I was there I had a care programme approach meeting, and saw the consultant. I was put on a detox programme, and came out with what I feel is the right medication (and there’s no side effects).

The medication seems to be working, it’s keeping me calmer. I’m not panicking as much and if I do start panicking then I sort of manage to control it and get over it. I’m also sleeping at night now, which I’ve never done before. I can’t remember when I use to sleep properly.

And I’ve got people helping me as well, I go to Ranges* for alcohol-related and drug-related issues. It was there that I met Roger Cull [who works at Together’s West and Mid Essex Personal Development Service], and through him I came to Prospects [Together’s work training scheme in Essex].

I met Roger Cull about two years ago. He helped me to start doing things. We talked about college and I did actually go to the Adult Learning College and did a five-week Introduction to Computing course.

It was Roger who introduced me to Prospects. I was concerned about driving as I don’t know the area. So he said, ‘What we’ll do is I’ll come and pick you up, only you drive in your car so that you can get to know the way.’ I signed on straight away for Wednesday afternoons: that was four months ago. Now I feel that this is not enough for me. When I mentioned it they made me feel at ease straight away, as soon as I asked, it’s like, ‘Brilliant, you want to do another day, great.’

Apparently we are now affiliated to the local college here. So I’ve signed on for a course in word processing. Since starting here I’ve been going through the programme for teaching me how to use the computer properly, so now I can actually sit there and use all my fingers.

Prospects has given me a lot more confidence and it’s given me something to focus on. They’re allowing me what I want to do at the moment, so I’m not worried, whereas if I was thinking, ‘I’ve got to do standard work,’ or whatever, I might get the anxiety. If for example, someone said something about doing a letter, if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. If you want to do it, do it. If you start it and you don’t want to finish it, it’s not a problem. You can’t ask for more than that, can you? That’s why I feel so good that I come here.

I know I’m never going to be able to walk into an office and start doing everything at once. At the moment it’s getting me back into it. I can feel it doing me good, like I can feel my medication doing me good, and I’m going to take it step by step and see where I arrive. I can’t go back. I can only get better. There is no reason for it to fall backwards now.

*Names have been changed